


Willy Wonka, Dracula, and the Egg They Hatched Together

by sol1loqu1st



Category: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - All Media Types, Dracula & Related Fandoms
Genre: Comedy, Crack, JJBA references, M/M, i'm so sorry but not really, this has been sitting in my drafts for literal years and i'm being held at gunpoint to post it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:14:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28158129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sol1loqu1st/pseuds/sol1loqu1st
Summary: Willy Wonka and Count Dracula have a son together. I'm a serious writer.
Relationships: Willy Wonka/Count Dracula
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	Willy Wonka, Dracula, and the Egg They Hatched Together

“Willy Wonka, did you lay this egg?” Dracula called in his booming, dramatic transylvanian accent as he descended the staircase made of literal chocolate. He held what looked to be an unwrapped cadbury creme egg gingerly between his perfectly manicured, sharpened nails. He stopped next to his shorter companion, adjusting his high collar.

  
Wonka blushed. “Of c-course not, darling!” he said, a drop of sweat beading on his forehead. He was working on his latest candy invention - a chocolate bar that, when consumed, caused one to… how to put it… lay a cadbury creme egg, which could also be consumed.

  
“You’ve been testing your products on yourself again, haven’t you.” Dracula’s disappointment could be felt by Roald Dahl himself. “Why do we even have these oompa loompas?” He watched one of Wonka’s short little minions running around eating a chocolate bar, wishing he could feast on its blood. He decided he would ask about it later - he never intended to harm the little guys, only to suck enough blood to get some nutrients. After all - vampires didn’t need chocolate to survive. They needed blood.

  
“Listen,” Wonka protested, “it’s just a chocolate egg. It isn’t like it’ll hatch - see, eat it!”

  
Dracula touched the egg to one of his fangs and started to bite into it. He jerked his mouth away as it began to leak the icing-like inside and, horrifyingly, began to cry like a baby. “This is terrible!” he cried. “I never wanted children! Much less one that’s literally a piece of candy that can be eaten by anyone!”

  
A tiny chocolate foot poked out of the hole Dracula had made with his incisor. “Oh dear,” said Willy Wonka, taking a magnifying glass from his pocket to observe the foot up close. It was no bigger than the size of about half a fingernail, and, slowly but surely, a small infant began to emerge from the egg, cracking it open and getting sticky, melty chocolate and chocolate filling everywhere.

  
“Oh dear,” Dracula repeated.

  
“This shouldn’t have happened at all…” Wonka thought for a moment. “Ah! Must’ve been the sex we had last night. Your sperm combined with my egg-”

  
“I know how sex works, dear, you don’t have to mentally scar the oompa loompas.”

  
Over the next few hours, the infant grew extremely rapidly, until it was the size of an ordinary toddler. When its teeth came in, they were pointy like Dracula’s, and he seemed to be made entirely out of chocolate, and eat only chocolate. He was, indeed, a chocolate vampire. Dracula’s idea that there was no such thing as a vampire who needed chocolate to survive had been proven wrong.

  
“I think I’ll call him Count Chocula,” Willy Wonka said, later that night.

  
“Great,” said Dracula. “Also, by the way, I promise I won’t kill any of them, but - do you think I could maybe feast on some of your oompa loompas’ blood? It’s just, I can’t survive on chocolate alone-”

  
“Hold on, I think Count Chocula is climbing into the giant vat of milk I keep for some reason!” Willy Wonka ran to rescue their son from certain doom. “Count Chocula! Don’t go in there! You get soggy in milk!”

  
Dracula sighed. Ah, well. He would learn to live with his weird, chocolate son.


End file.
